So far, this has been a long year. My dear, strong cousin died a few months ago after a long battle with cancer. My stepfather has been in and out of the hospital with liver failure that often pushes him to congenital heart failure. Now we are at the point of him needing nearly 24 hour/day care. My mother is constantly stressed out, and I am, frankly, overworked. Oh yeah, and someone hit and killed my cat. Somehow, this all sounds like, "Blah, blah, blah" to me. It isn't that I don't feel that I have the right to complain - okay, I kind of don't - it's just that the good ALWAYS outweighs the bad.
The way you see life is simply rooted in where you choose to cast your eyes. Sure, there is stress, and there are times when I need the support of those I love, but there is so much goodness in the world. Since June 2011, 3 of my 4 sisters have had babies - beautiful, delicious babies. I love being an aunt. I get the best of it all. I snuggle, I play, I read and teach, and then I give back. The children. :) It is a great thing. I adore children and plan on being a mother one day, but for now, I have the best of both worlds. These new bundles push me to a grand total count of 7 nieces and nephews, the oldest of which is a teenager in a few weeks. Add to the joy of my family the fact that I have the BEST friends in the world, and I am a supremely lucky girl. I am planning a trip to Baltimore in May, a week-long bike trip in June, and an epic journey to the Grand Canyon in July. What could there possibly be to make me depressed. I am always in love with the very act of living.
Still, I am not totally immune to the struggle. I have felt like I was drowning. Metaphorically, of course. I have felt like I was in some swirling pool of water being sucked into a vortex. I have struggled to breathe. I have stood like Prufrock and looked out onto a world that felt gray and empty and lonely. Then I snapped out of it. You see, unlike Prufrock, I do dare to "disturb my universe." That, alone, keeps me moving.
In class, we have been learning all about the disillusionment of the Modernists, but I don't REALLY know what that feels like. I don't know what hopelessness feels like because my life is always full of hope. I always trust in the new day and the ability of God to change my circumstances or change my heart to accept them. So I don't know that sinking feeling of hopelessness that seemed to consume so many Modernists. I can't conceive how difficult it must be when sadness works its way into your soul and seems to make a home there.
I can't imagine living through WWI, the Great Depression, and WWII. In the 20s, they lived big and fell hard. In the 30s, they lived on little and fell further. They must have forgotten to swim up toward the light. Perhaps it was easier to camp out underneath the water in the deep, cool darkness and just wait. I am thankful that warmth and light always win in me, but I get it. Too often, bottom dwelling is just easier. It takes real effort to pull yourself up, to shake off the grays and to live. It takes effort to make yourself breathe through the heavy load and force yourself to answer the question, "Do I dare disturb the universe?"
I feel profoundly sorry for the people, for the Prufrocks of the world, who simply let themselves sink. But I also feel sorry for the rest of us who may never know the greatness of those we easily ignore, those who will sink away into nothingness. Surely they are not without merit. Surely you, if you are one of those who feels sucked into the murk of life, are not without merit. Just like Prufrock would likely have found love and joy and purpose had he been brave enough to try, so you will find greatness when you dare disturb your universe and shake up what you have always known.
A man named George, whom I greatly respect, is fond of saying, "You can't expect a different tomorrow if you are always doing the same thing as yesterday." How true this is. We must be brave. We must shake off yesterday's funk and today's disappointments if we are going to have new, fresh, remarkable tomorrows. I want remarkable tomorrows. I hope that at least a few of you do as well.
EC - For this week, write me a one page paper in which you tell me about either a) a time when you have felt like you were sinking and were struggling to get your footing OR b) what you plan to do in your own life to "disturb your universe" Feel free to also comment on here so that our thoughts and ideas can mingle together in cyber space. (Commenting on here is nice and makes me happy, but it doesn't count as the EC. You must turn in the writing.)
I had a huge bomb filling my mind after my own mother's death due to depression. Her vein inside her brain ruptured. I carried this big bomb inside my head as a clock that I couldn't get back on foot. It was very hard because this represent my own way of feeling happy, peace, and having more passion.
ReplyDeleteDuring the I time I mourned the one hidden angel I lost, I couldn't return to my own self. It was lost and never returned again. My personality changed in two sides of the coin. The light side of me is still shown but the dark side is still within me. I couldn't fight or just let the darkness haunts me. I feel that this and the universe is at the place of having the apocalypse that every human that I learn of their fear and pain. The love is gone;due to my anger, hatred, and suffering of the universe and myself. This continues, until I got a solution for this problem. I meditated and absorbed my mother's spirit and hold it on my back and my father's. This is just a reminder that every family members of mind dies will always be part of me. These spirits always get me stronger academically and athletically. I will never back down and fall again.
What an encouraging story, Wilmar. I had no idea that your mother died. I am sad for you, but I am so proud of you for picking yourself back up again. You seriously inspire me every day. I don't think you know that. I am so proud to have had the chance to know you. I wish that everyone could know what you have been through and how hard you have fought to accomplish all that you have. I will be cheering the loudest when you graduate in June.
ReplyDeleteAbout five and a half my grandfather out of nowhere passed out, luckly he was at his shop where one of his employees saw that he had opened his car door and was laying in the back seat. When I was at school I got a call telling me that my grandfather had passed out and he was at the hospital. I had about an hour left in school so I stayed until it was out but that day my grandma picked me up and dropped me off at the hospital. When I got in my grandfather's room I saw all the needles that were all in him and I wanted to cry but I had to stay strong for him. Later on that day the doctor told us that he had kidney failure. After the doctor had left and he had heard that information my grandfather started talking to me, telling me , "Take care of your grandmother." Almost immediately once he told me that started crying because I am closest to him other than my grandma mainly because they raised me when I was little. Thankfully the doctor came back in and told us the just because he had kidney failure didn't mean he was going to die and told us that there was something called dialysis which doesn't make his kidney's work but it temporarily cleans his blood. About 7-8 months after he started dialysis he decided that he had to get on the transplant list because dialysis would make very tired because he had to sit in a chair for 4 hours with two needles in him 3 times a week. Then, about 3 people that my grandfather was close to got checked to see if they were a match but they were not, once they were not a match my mom stepped up and got checked and thankfully she was a match. About 6 months after she found out she was a match she gave my grandfather one of her kidney's and the transplant went great. During the week the my mom and grandfather were out I was the only one that knew anything about my grandfather's shop so I ran it for that week with assistance from my grandma since I couldn't drive back then. Overall I was scared because I had to talk to customers, make invoices, and make transactions all at the age of about 13. Here we are four years later and both my mom and grandfather are both doing great.
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